Dating 101: Dear Future Kid – Do good guys end up last? (Part 2)

Dear future kid,

Hope you are doing fine. Like your mother, I am sure you must be very popular with the opposite sex, hence the point of this letter. (Ok fine, as a parent I shouldn’t lie and the earlier statement was a bit of stretch.)

Anyway for discussion’s sake, your (think-she-so-clever) mother once posted on her blog about whether “Do good guys end up last?” Your mother agreed with her 31-year-old friend, Apples (at that point of time, possibly 40 plus now) that good guys are boring. The reason given was that these good guys were always saying Yes, meeting the needs of their other half without exerting an opposing view.

Now of course, some considerate male colleagues took it upon themselves to share their words of wisdom upon reading my blogpost, and made me realise that my argument was quite lopsided.

Revered Colleague Number 1 said over a Skype conversation, “Phebe, did it ever occur to you that when a guy says Yes, he could be doing it out of his love for you?”

Of course it never occurred to me at that point of time, but I pretended that it did. In other words, a good guy could have an alternate viewpoint, but he follows your wishes because he loves you and wants to make you happy. Now at that point, I was a bit stunned because I never considered the concept of love in that scenario, and I must say, it balances up the whole argument a lot.

I think in any relationship, you could end up doing things for the other party because you love them. It’s a fine line sometimes – to know when you are doing too much, and changing too much of yourself for the other person. But let’s turn the tables. What if that partner of yours refuses to budge on fundamental issues that are important to your relationship? What if there’s always so much disagreement and you’re always fighting. Isn’t that a worse problem to handle?

I think it is also safe to assume that a guy or girl who would do things out of their love for you, would be appreciative, when you do things out of love for them.

Revered Colleague Number 2 told me not too picky, and not let small things affect what you think of a person. He said that some guys are like onions, and it takes time to unwrap them layer by layer. (I think he didn’t realise that unwrapping an onion could involve some tears as well, but that is not the point.) In other words, it may take some time to discover the true character of a good guy or girl, and it would be unwise to write him or her off that soon because of superficial reasons ie. height or bad breath.

And I think it’s true. Your mother wrote in her earlier blogpost that she’d appreciate a guy that would tell her that she sucks. And for that to happen, you would have to be comfortable with each other and it would take some time to build up that sense of familiarity.

In essence, good guys, similar to good girls, may not be able to tell the funniest jokes in the room, or bring you on the most exciting dates. They may not be the most popular guy or girl out there, or be of CEO material. They may not be able to buy you that Sentosa Cove apartment, Prada bag or Tiffany ring.

But they can be counted on to be there when you need them, and will be there for you in the long run. Do not expect lavish gifts or big surprises – they tend to show their love and concern for you in their own simple way.

And it’s really up to you to decide on what kind of partner you want for yourself  – now, and in the future.

Good luck my dear children.

Your Mom,

15 July 2012